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| My Current Condition: 10-10-06 |
| On this day, her favorite number, 10-10, she left this house. Wrote out my feelings in chinese, will translate soon for her. I wonder why, my tears just cant stop coming down. I already try not to cry, and I am not crying. Why does my tears still fall. |
| Shout All Out~! |
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| Numb |
| Thursday, September 14, 2006 |
So long never really update my blog. Suddenly notice CC leave message at my tagboard. Also found out from a friend that other blogger whom blog I like to read 1 might be reading my blog.
Now let make something clear about my condition now. For the last 7 and a half month, I am totally blurred and unclear of what I had been doing with my life. Last semester I been going crazy, break down, angry, hurt, jealous, sad, regrets and so on…. Every negative feelings and emotion also all been cramped into that few months. I snapped, I broke, I fell, I failed, and still I keep trying standing up. Improving myself like mad, forcing myself to move on, to hang on to live my life and not to end it.
How many nights gone by that I didn’t shed my tears in my dreams. For the 1st few months, almost every night I dream of the same nightmare of being hurt, being betray being misunderstood, and finally being droved into a hell of regrets and pain. I even made myself believe that I am everything that is wrong about the relationship. I even force the pain cause to me being double, triple and even force the pain and regrets and madness into myself. Push myself to the edge of madness.
After start working, I at least get to know others people. No time to torture my own soul and feelings during work. Thankz to them, I slowly recover. However I notice the world have many other things. Slowly, interacting with other people, reading other people blog and understand their life, knowing other people from customer and so on. Although the working life open my eyes to a lot of things, making me improve more and faster. Still, while I thought I already get over things… I only found out that, I just became numb.
I am a very weird person. With a very weird thinking and understanding toward world and things. Still I am no more than a mere human. After all the pain and suffering that people had cause me and what I had cause myself. I just want to come down to one conclusion on what I understand about relationship.
“When a person doesn’t love you, you can only blame it on yourself that you are not good enough or suitable enough for her to love you.” Fate and luck do play a part here, however, as long as I love with my full capabilities. I will have no regrets.
Er… said quite a lot of things about my self, however… I think I just delete the whole page I wrote about myself and replace this paragraph instead.
What I want to write today is, I am numb, and I can’t really express myself anymore. Only left with pain and I endure it, till it become numb then another pain strike in and then I do the same thing over and over again. That is why I said in the previous post titled Rain. The midnight rain is much warmer than the heart of mine.
I can only write, so I starting to write out stories and short articles and things that in my mine. I already very numb and I keep forgetting things. Keep being blur and just go on working and working and working. Always trying to keep myself busy no matter in work or novels or games. In another word, I have no life. I guess.
Therefore I can only blog, hopefully I can still express out something while I am with my self. I can talk, express and so on toward people although not much. However, people are supposed to be free to express themselves while they are totally alone. Which in my case, I totally can’t.
Dear blog. I will edit you and keep updating you from now on. Because you will be the only way I can express myself to myself now.Labels: Expression |
posted by -ZeN- @ 10:32 PM  |
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Name: -ZeN-
MSN : strangerx_77@yahoo.com
YM! : strangerx_77
Friendster: http://www.friendster.com/zenchet
Home: Ipoh, Perak, Malaysia
About Me: Different.
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